I did a crazy thing . . .

So, I did this thing. Something that is considered crazy and not proper etiquette. I quit my job. I resigned . . .’effective immediately’, I resigned right then and there. I had made up my mind though extremely difficult, but I did it. All these months I thought I was going crazy, thought that what I was diagnosed with several years ago ‘major depressive disorder’ was coming back with a vengeance. My anxiety and paranoia were through the roof. At times it felt as if I was drowning and unable to keep my head above water. I would experience these awful unceasing anxieties, unsettledness, agitation, irritability, pending doom feelings that were uncontrollable. It would manifest throughout the day but get worse at bedtime. All I wanted was to be able to settle down and sleep. I just couldn’t . . . it was awful and dreadful. It’s like I just wanted to crawl out of my skin, and I was stuck in it. I would cry out to the Lord to make it stop as I would just pace the floor back and forth frantically.

I had taken a position within a healthcare company as a Nurse Manager. This is something that I really wanted and longed for in my career path as a Registered Nurse. I had finally gotten my dream job!! You see I am very ambitious; I had been in a supervisory/leadership role for the last 5 years and what I wanted was to become manager and for one day to become a director of a whatever department! So, I get the job and to my dismay it did not go as I thought it would go. Long story short, I did not have any support from my superior or boss lady; never one was I trained, oriented, guided, and supported by my boss. I felt like I was just thrown to the trenches to fend for myself and to figure things out on my own, despite me voicing how I was feeling. I spoke up about it, I would ask for help and nothing, I was really scared to speak up and go over my boss’s head in fear of retaliation and repercussions. I found a letter in the shared drive one day while looking for some documents that I needed and when I opened it and read it, it resonated with me word by word by word. Right then and there, I realized that I just wasn’t going crazy. Because this gentleman who was a previous Manager went through the same experiences that I was going through.

One of my staff, who is a Christian, a woman of faith, a pastor; met with me on Monday (2 days prior to my resignation) afternoon right after work to chat about what was happening. She read the letter from that gentleman as well and was in shocked as she read the 3-page paper. She also felt like something has been going on in that office but couldn’t pinpoint it.  She spoke beautiful words but also words that came from the Lord as well. Felt good and encouraged somewhat, but me wanting to leave was still very present in my head. Even though those feelings had seemed to calm down a bit. I said, Ok Lord, now you know this is hard. You say that I have an assignment that hasn’t been completed but I am not sure how much more I can take.

She said that the Lord is preparing me for the Field, as “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12 NIV.

The day that I resigned, I was an emotional mess, spent most of the day very anxious and crying. I took a walk around the office to calm down and clear my head for a bit. As this was not worth it to be in this distress. I had previously requested a meeting to meet with the Regional Director of Operations and the HR Director to discuss certain things that I have been experiencing during my time there as Nurse Manager.  The time came to meet via Teams Video, and I disclose everything that I have been experiencing. I shared with them 3 documents: the 3-page letter from a previous Manager, my 2-page document where it bulleted most if not all my responsibilities and duties as manager, and 2-page document on my points of discussion. I verbally provided them with my resignation and highly encouraged them to investigate what is going on in that practice, there’s a significantly high employee turnover rate and it points back at the administrator. I felt like I was set up for failure from the get-go and in order for that office to become successful and thrive, they must investigate the common denominator for the sake of past, current, and future employees. I feel as though that this was my assignment, to whistle blow or bring to light all of the darkness/hidden things that have been unraveling in this office.

I speak of this as not to say its ok to get up and leave. I did something crazy. I am my only financial support. I do not have or did not have another job lined up for me. I had to make a decision to resign or see my mental health status decline before my eyes, and then be in a very bad spot. I had not been in a good place mentally for several weeks prior to this. Believe me, I cried out to the Lord on a daily basis all day. I spoke with my mom and roommate regarding this and had their support. With exception of the roommate, he said find a job first and then quit. I just couldn’t bare it anymore.

Today, I am at peace. “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:3-4 NIV

I should be all anxious with an urgency on finding a new job, as I have bills to pay without an income coming in. But no, it may sound weird, and you may not understand. But I am at peace! The Lord will provide. It is in His perfect timing.

Yesterday’s sermon was about Fear of the Lord. And listening to the Lord to guide you in what He wants you to do not what YOU want to do but what HE wants you to do. The bible verse was from Genesis 22:1-14, where Abraham takes his only son Isaac to sacrifice him before the Lord. God was testing Abraham to sacrifice his son who Sara gave birth in her advanced age.

I am sure that was difficult for Abraham to accept and proceed to do, but God saw how he was faithful and feared him and God blessed him from that point on.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I encourage you to seek His presence and say to Him, Lord, I am here. What do you want me to do?  Stop running away from Him. I know I was, and I did. I knew when I took that job earlier this year, that that’s not what God had in store for me. He has something bigger and more fulfilling for me. Yet here I am . . . I did a crazy thing last week. I resigned from my job without a proper 2-week notice. Was I scared? Absolutely.

But God is faithful, and He will take care of me, only if I just believe and have Faith. I am learning not to rush things and seek His guidance!

Amen,

Josie

August 8, 2023